Three days after getting engaged last December, I flew from London to Sydney for what I expected would be a trip home of about 8 weeks. Four and a half months later I’m still here, with no clear date as to when I can return to England. Long story short: visas in a pandemic are a complicated business.

Thankfully, 2020 was the year we were ALL schooled in The Art of Surrender, right? Thank eff for that, because most of the many plans and visions I had for 2021 will not eventuate on the timeline I had hoped for. Beginning the exciting journey of starting a family — both fur baby and human baby! A wedding! Celebrating my beloved's 40th! Starting a podcast! Even just buying a bike and new hiking shoes for spring time rambles and adventures. These losses feel sad to me. I've felt angry, frustrated, hopeless and exhausted.

I learned a long time ago that grieving for a future imagined can be as painful as grieving for a cherished past.

It has also been a true pleasure and relief to be home in Australia. There are very, very little restrictions here and we were gifted a mild summer. I’ve been home for the birthdays and baby showers I usually miss out on. My parents, who I'm living with, support my younger brother (he lives with an acquired brain injury) and while I’m by no means a carer, at times I’ve been able to provide them with a teensy tiny amount of reprieve. I had a glorious week off in a chalet in the Snowy mountains with my cousin. Cold sunset swims in the river I grew up in. Holding and attending in-person women’s circles! Hugs! Pilates! Yoga that isn't on Zoom!

What I want to write to you about today is the universal and infinite truth that Life is always BOTH. I'm noticing this curious impulse inside my head to jump to extremes and create a story/drama when someone asks me how I'm doing:

Oh everything is fine, Life is AMAZING right now.

This is AWFUL and UNFAIR.

I am having THE BEST TIME & FEEL SOOO GRATEFUL.

I am IN PAIN & NO ONE SEEMS TO CARE.

What I believe is that the truth of our lives lives somewhere in the middle, in the BOTH. Spending too much time at the edges of this spectrum — either bypassing pain for PoSiTiVe ViBeS OnLy or dwelling in victim mode — is 2D living. It's not real life. We're robbing ourselves of the rich and diverse possibilities of our existence when we do this. With every loss there is a gain. With every success there is a trade-off.

As our beloved LC sang…

“There is a crack in everything. That’s how the light gets in.” — Leonard Cohen.

I wonder where on this spectrum you notice yourself hanging out right now? Are you being optimistic above all else; quick to jump to gratitude lists and campaign for the silver lining? Are you frequently overreacting, complaining and feeling powerless to change your life’s circumstances? Oscillating between the two? Or softly landing somewhere in the middle?

3 things that have been helping me discern the truth of my life right now are:

1. Listening to the tone of my voice when I speak. Am I putting a voice on? Does it sound strained, high pitched or forced? Or balanced and grounded, like it's coming from my belly?

2. Journaling to process and distill the stories, by writing: ‘hmmmm but is THAT true?’ over and over again if needed.

3. Prioritising rest and self-care when pre-menstrual and bleeding to allow myself to venture into the darker half of my cycle where all the clarity and nourishment live.

Big thanks also to therapy, sleep, tarot, long walks in the bush and taking social media breaks. I've been journeying into my own Dark Feminine with Shaney Marie in her indescribable 13-week live Enchantress program and am grateful for the nourishing magic, care and guidance I’ve received from her and our group as well. It’s helped me to face and integrate my own darkness in order to find the true and whole place within. Support on the path is everything!

What stories are you telling about your life right now?

What is actually real and true?

What emotions are alive within you, ready to be felt and processed?

What limitations can you let go of?

What is ready for you to claim?

A few more fun things:

• Are you someone who is trying to improve their period but still struggling with difficult symptoms? The team at De Lune asked me some great questions recently about my work as a period coach (including what I'd say to someone in the aforementioned situation) and you can read my responses here.

• Tbh I'm amazed I've gotten this far without mentioning my current obsession... OUTLANDER. I know there's some fellow Sassenachs, bonnie lasses and fans of both the TV series and books out there. May I also recommend this podcast for anyone venturing through the stones with me?

• I wrote a poem about bleeding.

• I've realised there's nearly 1000 folks following my period playlist! I started curating this 7.5 hour playlist in 2016 and still listen to it every single time I bleed. So glad others do too. Yay for rituals. You can find it here.

Thank you so much for reading my update and musings.

Please don't forget that your life is remarkable, rich, BOTH and it's happening right now.

Big love!

Claire x

Ps. This blog post was actually a recent newsletter that I sent to my nearly 10k strong email-based community. If you’d like to receive these emails a couple of times a month (I usually include some updates, insights, quotes, playlists, books and TV series I’m loving, plus enrolment information and discount codes for my courses… you can do so right here!