I want to have a baby (& other thoughts on pre-conception)
Yes, I do. I want to have a baby. Wow, that feels like a big thing to put on the internet. The desire to have a baby is not uncommon, so why does it feel like a taboo to make this desire public?
These two pictures are from the book Awakening Fertility: The Essential Art of Preparing For Pregnancy by the same authors who wrote the best-selling The First Forty Days. I read that book when I was preparing to support one of my best friend’s during her home birth. It made so much sense to me to honour the weeks following birth, but what about the weeks (months, years) prior to conception?
That’s the curious space I’ve been hanging out in for about 18 months, when the desire to become a mother first landed solidly within me. I was 32-years old and felt surprised — I’d been casually contemplating a child-free existence for awhile. But there it was as clear as day: I wanted to be a mum.
We haven’t started ‘trying’ (I wish we didn’t use that word) to conceive yet. I’m still in the Preparing phase, as Heng Ou calls it in this book. For the last 18 months I’ve explored this desire, encountered my hopes, fears, dreams and concerns about motherhood, made gradual and nourishing changes in my lifestyle and prioritised my fertility.
I’ve watched my experience of each phase of my cycle change; a slither of sadness at menstruation, a sense of urgency in my libido at ovulation, a long ‘sigh’ within as my cervical fluid dries up for yet another cycle. I know that it’s not the right time yet, but my body has other ideas! I’ve watched my inner reactions change to friend’s pregnancy announcements — still so excited, but also, honestly, envy.
On cycle day 26 today I feel calm, content and trusting, but I reckon there’ll be a glimmer of grief when my blood shortly arrives.
Why don’t we talk about this bit? The bit BEFORE the 12-week announcement, the bit BEFORE we start having unprotected sex in the fertile window, the bit when the desire lands and is accompanied by so many questions:
Will I actually get to become a mother? What if I don’t? How long will it take? What if it doesn’t happen right away? Am I ready for this? And for many hopeful souls, who will I even have a child with? Or, do I want to take the biological route — or is a different path to Motherhood the one for me?
Look, I’m a trained and certified fertility awareness teacher and I know how to track my fertile window with my eyes closed. I know how to protect my fertility. I’ve been working 1:1 with women on this same journey for so many years. But I want to let you know that even with all of that information and experience, I am not immune to the complex feelings that can accompany ‘This Before Bit’ let alone ‘The Bit Where We’re Actually Trying.’
Here’s some on how I’m navigating this time:
In accompaniment to Awakening Fertility I’m taking Maring Higa’s 4-week course Creating Fertile Ground which is designed to bring more joy and ease to the fertility journey. It won’t teach you how to conceive but I felt my whole body relax in just the first week of lessons and exercises.
I’ve read and loved Spirit Babies: How to Communicate with the Child You’re Meant to Have by Walter Makichen and I do believe and trust in the timing of when my own spirit baby is meant to be be find its feet on this earthly plane, via my womb.
I’ve been taking care of my fertile health for many years, but have cranked things up a notch in the past year or so with fertility-boosting foods, herbs and supplements. These have been curated for me and my health needs specifically, so I won’t list them here, but for guidance on nourishing your fertility and identifying your fertile window, check out Clara Bailey’s online workshop Nourishing Your Fertility and everything that Nat Kringoudis shares on her website, books and courses on boosting fertility naturally.
I’m also a big fan of acupuncture and have been getting these health and fertility-boosting pins stuck in me regularly for about 8 years. Big love to my first ever acupuncturist and herbalist Amy O’Brien who inspires me hugely in her own journey of becoming a Mother.
I also want to acknowledge and thank my friend Lacey Haynes for everything I’ve learned from her in the realms of holistic pre-conception care, particularly on healing one’s relationship with Motherhood. You’ll find Lacey’s wisdom on conscious conception threaded throughout Awakening Fertility.
And of course, practicing menstrual cycle awareness. My cycle is such a brilliant guide through any periods of transition in my life and I’m always tuning in to the feedback it sends me, whether it’s on the practicalities of the length of my luteal phase (a key indicator in one’s fertility) or reminding me how creative and powerful my body is, even without a baby in my belly right now! 😉
Finally, I’m talking about my hopes and fears re: motherhood A LOT! With my partner Alex, with friends and family, and with my wise and wonderful therapist. I know how important a supportive community will be for me when I become a mum and so I’m seeking out the love from the village now.
Thanks so much for reading.
I’d love to hear your stories, thoughts, feelings and experiences in the comments if you’re happy to share.
Love,
Claire x